Anticipation

I started this post a couple weeks ago, and since then there are even more feelings and thoughts.

I like feel good post. But I am at a juncture in my life that is not completely feel good. I have faith that after I pass through this spot, I will look back and see all the good. I have debated whether or not to share, but isn’t that what blogging is about? Maybe by sharing this adventure it will help someone else, if nothing other than misery loves company.

As the year began, there was a trend to pick a word for the year. The word I chose was discernment. I knew decisions were going to need to be made this year. I knew there were changes in the routine of our home coming. I knew I would be needing discernment to make it through.

Discernment has come. Much clearer than anticipated, and I think I have handled it well, despite the kicking and screaming to not make this turn. Actually, the kicking and screaming was just to make sure no stone was left unturned.

But the writing is on the wall. And with tears a decision is made.

The end of June I will close the shop.

I think there should be a second word this year – anticipation.

I did not anticipate how difficult this decision would be. The facts are the facts, but the heart wants to hold on.

I did not anticipate how draining, mentally and emotionally, coming to work to try to make it through the day would be. Usually, if a job is not working out, you search for a new one and when you get one you leave. Not with the closing of a business. It is like being a captain of a ship, it is sinking and you feel as if you, too, are going under.

I did not anticipate how perplexing it would be to not know what to do next.

As I searched alternative ways to continue, but without a store front, I did not anticipate how quickly “no’s” could be delivered. As I anticipated approaching the zoning commission with my spill down to less than 30 seconds, I did not anticipate how they would have a “no” in less than 15 seconds.

I did not anticipate if it this business did not work out, that I would feel as if I have chased my tail. Feeling as if I am back to where I started. Nothing gained.

I did not anticipate how painstaking it would be to keep a smile and fake optimism when encountering customers that offer unsolicited positive feedback, and yet have not been back.I get stopped in a store and am told how much they enjoyed the meals, ending with I might come in over the summer, but definitely in the fall.

Good luck with that.

In the meantime bills need to be paid, can’t do that without revenue.

So another local business, locks the doors, hands the keys back over to the landlord.

A business that failed.

Or . . .

Another person that journeyed down a road of faith, that learned something, albeit lost in the moment. Another person off on another trek, as soon as that door is opened.

Another person, me, anticipating what opportunity lies beyond that corner that I just can’t see around.

What footprints did this business leave on the community? Did it touch people?

I was perusing Facebook a week or so ago. It is supposedly a way to connect with others, but really how deeply do we connect through “social networking” as such?

I have wondered how many are hurting with pains and disappointments that others are not aware of. Or have not thought of. There are instances that are obvious, those fighting a chronic illness, or dealing with cancer in a loved one, or a loss of a loved one, but what about those who are dealing with job loss, or impending life changes? Loneliness? Parenting opportunities with teenagers?

Trying to reach out, even to say hello, when you yourself is sluggish can be quite draining, but I can’t help but think, we are all caught up in our worlds and lives that we might not notice when someone needs something as simple as a “wanted to say hello” or “glad to see you” or “thinking of you”

I read Tuesdays with Morrie years ago. I don’t know why I remember this particular line so well, but at one point he was asked about dealing with his impending death, something like, didn’t he get upset . . . whatever the question may have been, the answer was, (paraphrased) sometimes you just need to feel it. Feel it and move on. I wonder if that is where I am. Maybe I need to stop thinking, stop doing, and quiet the busyness around me for just a little while. Feel it, not fight it. And then move on.

You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, Psalms 30:11

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