Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Anticipation

I started this post a couple weeks ago, and since then there are even more feelings and thoughts.

I like feel good post. But I am at a juncture in my life that is not completely feel good. I have faith that after I pass through this spot, I will look back and see all the good. I have debated whether or not to share, but isn’t that what blogging is about? Maybe by sharing this adventure it will help someone else, if nothing other than misery loves company.

As the year began, there was a trend to pick a word for the year. The word I chose was discernment. I knew decisions were going to need to be made this year. I knew there were changes in the routine of our home coming. I knew I would be needing discernment to make it through.

Discernment has come. Much clearer than anticipated, and I think I have handled it well, despite the kicking and screaming to not make this turn. Actually, the kicking and screaming was just to make sure no stone was left unturned.

But the writing is on the wall. And with tears a decision is made.

The end of June I will close the shop.

I think there should be a second word this year – anticipation.

I did not anticipate how difficult this decision would be. The facts are the facts, but the heart wants to hold on.

I did not anticipate how draining, mentally and emotionally, coming to work to try to make it through the day would be. Usually, if a job is not working out, you search for a new one and when you get one you leave. Not with the closing of a business. It is like being a captain of a ship, it is sinking and you feel as if you, too, are going under.

I did not anticipate how perplexing it would be to not know what to do next.

As I searched alternative ways to continue, but without a store front, I did not anticipate how quickly “no’s” could be delivered. As I anticipated approaching the zoning commission with my spill down to less than 30 seconds, I did not anticipate how they would have a “no” in less than 15 seconds.

I did not anticipate if it this business did not work out, that I would feel as if I have chased my tail. Feeling as if I am back to where I started. Nothing gained.

I did not anticipate how painstaking it would be to keep a smile and fake optimism when encountering customers that offer unsolicited positive feedback, and yet have not been back.I get stopped in a store and am told how much they enjoyed the meals, ending with I might come in over the summer, but definitely in the fall.

Good luck with that.

In the meantime bills need to be paid, can’t do that without revenue.

So another local business, locks the doors, hands the keys back over to the landlord.

A business that failed.

Or . . .

Another person that journeyed down a road of faith, that learned something, albeit lost in the moment. Another person off on another trek, as soon as that door is opened.

Another person, me, anticipating what opportunity lies beyond that corner that I just can’t see around.

What footprints did this business leave on the community? Did it touch people?

I was perusing Facebook a week or so ago. It is supposedly a way to connect with others, but really how deeply do we connect through “social networking” as such?

I have wondered how many are hurting with pains and disappointments that others are not aware of. Or have not thought of. There are instances that are obvious, those fighting a chronic illness, or dealing with cancer in a loved one, or a loss of a loved one, but what about those who are dealing with job loss, or impending life changes? Loneliness? Parenting opportunities with teenagers?

Trying to reach out, even to say hello, when you yourself is sluggish can be quite draining, but I can’t help but think, we are all caught up in our worlds and lives that we might not notice when someone needs something as simple as a “wanted to say hello” or “glad to see you” or “thinking of you”

I read Tuesdays with Morrie years ago. I don’t know why I remember this particular line so well, but at one point he was asked about dealing with his impending death, something like, didn’t he get upset . . . whatever the question may have been, the answer was, (paraphrased) sometimes you just need to feel it. Feel it and move on. I wonder if that is where I am. Maybe I need to stop thinking, stop doing, and quiet the busyness around me for just a little while. Feel it, not fight it. And then move on.





You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, Psalms 30:11

20 comments:

Faye said...

Bless your heart.I am so sorry.I know God has another plan for your life,Your post was beautiful.I just sat here and cried while I read it.Hope you have a great day! Sending you hugs! Love, Faye

Sniffles and Smiles said...

Oh, I'm so sorry...You'll be in my prayers...the economy is hurting so many wonderful friends...I am so grieved. But you have described your journey so beautifully that I am sure that God will use you and your writing in a powerful way in the days to come...thank you. You truly touched my heart today! ~Janine XO

Susie said...

I am so sorry to hear that your business venture is ending but I am happy for the attitude you are choosing to take!

Friar Tuck said...

I am sad for you. Hope you find the answers you are looking for as you walk forward trusting.

God Bless.

"Rachel" said...

Saying a prayer for you today as you move forward. I am sorry this has happened and I pray that the Lord will open doors and bring more opportunities in the future.

Jane In The Jungle said...

Oh I'm so sorry you're closing. I know that had to be a gut wrenching decision.
But I know that rainbow is just around the corner.... start looking!!

tale of many cities said...

God is waiting to bless you with something bigger than you can imagine.. that is something i truly believe. but i DO think you are on to the key.. allow yourself to grieve and feel this loss. it's only then that you will be ready for whatever comes knocking at your door next. so kick and scream, cry your eyes out, shout to the heavens about how sad & angry you are at this loss... get it out!! in the meantime, you will be in my prayers. [and obviously many others as well]
hang in there sweetie.
blessings,
-Tracie

Aleta said...

Sending you *hugs*. I'm glad that you shared this, because your blogger friends care and we need to know when we can offer a shoulder to cry on. My Dad owns his own business. I can't imagine what he'd do if it went under and it's a struggle at times.

And the ending to your post - just feel it. Is right... you need to silence the rushing and just feel and then you can move on. You owe yourself the emotions.

Sending prayers.

Gabrielle said...

Wow, thank you for your transparency. We were in a similar situation and finally had to close our cafe. It was so difficult to do and yet there was also the anticipation of what was next. We truly felt the Lord used our downtown coffee shop to reach people. At one point as I prayed about finances, God basically let me know Hr would spend every last dollar of ours to reach even one person, so what could I do but say, "thank you." We may never recover from the financial stress of a family owned business that closed, but I am thankful for the chance to have tried and been a part of something bigger than my own comfort. I will keep you in my prayers as you make this transition!

foododelmundo said...

Attah Girl! Yeah it's tough, yeah it sucks and yes it's heart wrenching! I was in tears and devestated a year ago too. Now I'm counting the months and can't wait to get out of dodge and move forward! When I was at a very miserable point and whining to my mom - she said oh but you're learning so much - I said sure, but at what cost. Her reply "oh dear, all educations are expensive!"
So here's to us missy! We tried and we wouldn't of had it any other way - we would be just as miserable if we hadn't. So let's go put on our big girl pants, suck it up and PLASTER a smile on our faces and get 'er done! I can't wait to join you next year as another MAK biting the dust.
Just think I helped you with info on how to start this mess and you'll be able to share info on how to get out of it!

lailani said...

Thanks for all the kind comments!

Big girl panties are in place and my boots are on. Ready march forward!! haha

Hey Mary, Yes we will be two more that will not make the MAK list (down to just over 700 - from over 1400 in 2007 - yikes)but you are right, glad we tried it!

Cheers!

The Muse said...

I have read..and reread, every line..every word. My heart aches and my heart soars...

It soars for all that you have so obviously achieved in spirit...for what awaits you, is your truest goal.

All my prayers to you, for strength, for guidance and for peace.

Gayle said...

lailani, I am so sorry to hear this. My heart goes out to you and you will be in my thoughts.

Sniffles and Smiles said...

You could NEVER whine...this is a concerto...beautiful, heartbreaking...inspiring...I ache for you...and yet, I know that this is probably just a bend in the road...great things are in store for you, my talented friend. ~Janine XO

linda said...

With the good attitude that you have about all this, you will come through just fine. God has plans for you and your family...and his plans are perfect. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers!

Teri said...

I am so sorry that you are having to make this decision. You put yourself into your business, so it is a very personal hurt. I recently had to shift my plans for law school because I only got accepted into the way too expensive school, not the one I can afford. Devastating is not a strong enough word to describe the pain.

And I agree with you wholeheartedly about feeling the pain. During my really long walks (which were spurred by my sadness), I realized that we can't walk around our sadness and pain. You learn so many things about yourself when you plunge through the pain head first. Feel it, acknowledge it, live it. That's the only way to get through it.

Take good care of you.

Cheffie-Mom said...

I'm very sorry. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Pastora Debbie said...

Wow this is an awesome post and very inspiring because in spite of the pain you are in you managed to see that htere has to be a reason and that this too shall pass;)

Greg C said...

I am so sorry that this chapter for you is ending but just remember that there are still lots of chapters out there for you. I will pray that another one quickly opens for you.

tale of many cities said...

hope you don't mind... but YOU'VE BEEN TAGGED! :D